Blessed Be Your Name - Part 2
In my last blog I talked about how this year has been full of both blessings and challenges. However, in it, I focused on the highs. In this post I want to concentrate on the lows, even though they are still painful to write about. I don't think you can truly appreciate how significant these last few months have been until you've seen both sides. This year has been full of loss and I admit that as I sing "Blessed Be Your Name" I still struggle to get through the last verse.
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord Blessed be your name
(by Matt Redman)
Recently my Grandfather (better known as Pop by all his grandchildren) lost his battle with Alzheimer's. While things had changed these last few years my last memory with Pop reminded me of how it was when we were younger. This last July, when I was home for Sarah (my cousin) and Lance's wedding, Pop and I went shopping for my wedding present (we are still not sure what happened to the first one). Although a little slower and confused about why we were buying me a present when it was Sarah's wedding, he was full of laughter and stories. I'll miss you, Pop.
Unfortunately Pop wasn't my only loss this year. Earlier this year my husband and I found out that we were pregnant. We had been trying to get pregnant for about three months and were so excited when we found out. We nicknamed this baby growing inside of me Appleseed (which Jamie wrote a short piece on here). As Appleseed grew we planned and looked forward to the day when we would be able to share this news with our family and friends , but that day never came. At least not in the way we planned.
Nine weeks into the pregnancy there were complications. I know there is no good way to lose a baby, but for just over 2 weeks I was on bed rest as things went up and down with the doctors having no idea whether our precious baby would survive. So rather than sharing the exciting news, instead we began making the hardest phone calls asking many of you to pray. I don't think I have ever pleaded with God harder and longer. Being on bed rest gave me plenty of time for that.
Unfortunately, Appleseed passed away and I am left wondering what happened. Of course the first question you ask is if there was anything I could have done differently? We don't really know why our baby died, nor can the medical world find any deifinate answers. However, I do know that our baby has brought my husband and I closer to each other and more certain that we need God more now than ever.
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord Blessed be your name
(by Matt Redman)
Unfortunately Pop wasn't my only loss this year. Earlier this year my husband and I found out that we were pregnant. We had been trying to get pregnant for about three months and were so excited when we found out. We nicknamed this baby growing inside of me Appleseed (which Jamie wrote a short piece on here). As Appleseed grew we planned and looked forward to the day when we would be able to share this news with our family and friends , but that day never came. At least not in the way we planned.
Nine weeks into the pregnancy there were complications. I know there is no good way to lose a baby, but for just over 2 weeks I was on bed rest as things went up and down with the doctors having no idea whether our precious baby would survive. So rather than sharing the exciting news, instead we began making the hardest phone calls asking many of you to pray. I don't think I have ever pleaded with God harder and longer. Being on bed rest gave me plenty of time for that.
Unfortunately, Appleseed passed away and I am left wondering what happened. Of course the first question you ask is if there was anything I could have done differently? We don't really know why our baby died, nor can the medical world find any deifinate answers. However, I do know that our baby has brought my husband and I closer to each other and more certain that we need God more now than ever.
11 week old baby about the same age as when Appleseed passed away
I am sure as I continue to seek after God through the loss of my Pop and the baby, as well as through the joy of my job and the love of my husband, I am sure that I will become the person I was inteded to be. As hard as it is somtimes "My heart will choose to say, Lord Blessed be your name".
There are no good words for losses like these -- my first stopped growing at about 12 weeks. And my youngest daughter was originally a twin -- her twin stopped growing at 14 weeks. There isn't anything you could have done differently -- not in the 1st trimester for someone who doesn't have unhealthy habits.
It is good to know that not only our words, but our tears, as well, are prayers.
Glory to God in the Highest...
Christopher (Comment this)
Welcome to blogging!
I am very sorry for your loss. We lost our first also.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and He will hold you close while you grieve.
One of the things that was scary for me was wondering if we would ever have children. It doesn't change the feelings of losing the first baby, but we have been blessed with 4 great kids.
I pray that you will be comforted. (Comment this)
Though my doctor said everything was fine on Tuesday, I spent Wednesday and Thursday in prayer and tears. Something was wrong. I knew it. Compelled to sing the 23rd Psalm to my unborn baby, I had the feeling that I was saying good-bye. An ultrasound confirmed that Keith and I had lost our child.
I gave our baby to God in prayer the day we learned I was pregnant. Each night, my precious husband prayed aloud for me and the baby to be "safe and healthy and whole." We were amazed, as I'm sure all new parents are, at how quickly we came to love that tiny new life. We entrusted him to our heavenly Father, and I've never doubted that God loved him even more than we did.
Four months have dragged past. Just when I think I've shed all the tears, I find myself crying again. Several concerns in addition to the miscarriage have weighed heavily on me. But one day keeps moving me into the next, with or without my permission, and it's best that way.
This year I decided to make our Christmas cards. I thought it would get me into the spirit of the season. It didn't. It actually made me wonder why I was celebrating at all. I jotted and doodled and fidgeted with one idea after another. Nothing worked. Gingerbread warmth and candy cane glee didn't fit this year. It's not that I was angry or bitter. I just couldn't think of anything nice to say. I prayed for a Christmas message that was honest but not cynical. I had my doubts. God answered, in spite of me, with a question. "What does Christmas mean to you?"
I struggled to come up with a sincere answer. Christmas doesn't always mean happiness and laughter and sugary sentiments, that's for sure. I think of Easter as the celebration of salvation. But Christmas... I honestly couldn't see the point of itfor methis year. Reaching as far into my heart as I could bear, I groped around and found one word. Hope.
I could celebrate because Christmas means hope. Hope is not a promise that prayers will all be answered with yes. It isn't knowing that tomorrow will be better than today. Hope isn't even the assurance that we won't want with all our hearts to give up sometimes because life's too hard. Jesus was born into this worlda world that can be a horrible, frightening, and sorrowful placeso we would know that God isn't going to let us go. No matter what. We hope, because God loves us enough to go through it with us. That is reason to celebrate.
On the front of our cards was a burgundy dove, a green olive branch, and the word hope. The passage inside reflected what Christmas meant for me:
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compasions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness" (Lam. 3:21-23).
(Comment this)